BREAST CANCER RELATED ANXIETY TRIGGER

I think that many of us who are diagnosed with cancer will experience stress, worry, or anxiety to some extent almost every day due to unexpected triggers on our journey. Some of these triggers may only make our hearts flutter for a moment or cause some brief moments of worry, but others can keep us up at night and cause more distress.

And sometimes, those triggers seem to just pop up out of left field.

My Most Recent Trigger

I got a call a couple of days ago from a scheduler about the CT and nuclear-med bone scans my doctor ordered. Finding a day for both scans took a while since one takes 3 hours. I didn't write down the details because I knew they would be posted on the patient portal.

The next day, I logged into the portal to check if the scans had been added so I could enter the details into my calendar. When I saw the date, I immediately felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. October 2nd? The date hadn't even registered with me when the scans were scheduled.

So What's The Deal With October 2nd?

October 2, 2016, was a Sunday. I remember it well because I was extremely anxious and teary-eyed all day, knowing I would be seeing a breast cancer physician/surgeon the following day for the results of my recent breast biopsy.

I was almost sure I would receive the devastating news of a breast cancer diagnosis, and the uncertainty of what would follow left me feeling utterly terrified.

I remember walking around my backyard, crying and praying. I begged God for more time here on earth. 

Conor had just started his sophomore year of high school, and Alex was in college. They both needed my support. Conor still relied on me, and Nick, who was living in Massachusetts, had been going through some life struggles and also needed my support. My older kids had their own families and were more settled, so I felt they weren't as vulnerable.

And then there was my husband, Ray. He needed me. He had just gotten through a heart attack and some surgeries. It was a really scary time for all of us, but things were finally starting to look up.

And yes, the following day, I did hear those dreaded words, "Pam, the results were positive for breast cancer."

And so my breast cancer journey began.....

The hardest part was definitely telling the kids. I didn't want my treatments to worry them or disrupt their lives. 

After talking to my Oncology team, I felt hopeful, and yet still worried. 

But God Answered Prayers

I've now watched Conor graduate from high school and grow into an amazing 23-year-old man. He's now still in college, working, and living about an hour and a half away.

I've watched Alex overcome some challenges and become a beautiful, intelligent, adventurous woman who will turn 30 at the end of this month!

Nick has been through some really tough times, but now he has a good and meaningful job working with individuals with disabilities. He's also recently married the most incredible woman we love so much!

And there have been so many other blessings over these past few years that I am so very thankful for.

And Yet, I Can't Avoid The Triggers

I know it may sound silly to some that I became so anxious when I found out that my upcoming scans were scheduled for the anniversary week of my diagnosis. But that first week of October always brings up a lot of anxiety for me. Actually, the whole month of October stirs up such mixed emotions.

In October 2016, I received my first breast cancer diagnosis. Then, in October 2020, just a few weeks after undergoing surgery for pancreatitis and gallbladder issues, a CT scan and biopsy confirmed that my cancer had returned.

I understand logically that experiencing bad news in October before doesn't necessarily mean it will happen again. But emotionally, that's a different matter.

I am determined not to let fear control me while waiting for the scans and then the results, but I know it won't be easy. I'll experience moments of panic and 'what ifs.' Unfortunately, it's a part of this journey.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

My journey just happened to begin during Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As I mentioned, October is a month that evokes mixed emotions for me.

I truly value all the support that breast cancer survivors and thrivers receive in October. However, I understand that not all women feel the same about pink ribbons and pink-themed activities. For some, it serves as a painful reminder of their struggles.

Personally, I see it as a symbol of hope and a means to raise awareness. Nevertheless, there are still tough moments when dealing with it all can be hard.  

Embracing the pink!

BTW, I haven't mentioned this latest trigger to family or friends, so writing this has been very therapeutic for me....Thanks for listening, Y'all!

CANCER AND ANXIETY ABOUT THE UNKNOWN

ANXIETY ABOUT THE UNKNOWN

Sitting here at 1:30 AM, unable to sleep, I decided to write about something that affects many cancer patients and survivors.

FEAR OF CANCER RECURRENCE OR PROGRESSION

I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2016. Following chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation, my scans showed positive results. My treatments had worked! 

However, in the autumn of 2020, a lymph node under my arm tested positive for cancer, and I started treatment once again.

I am now in remission, but I know my cancer can become active again.

Just because our cancer treatments have ended, and perhaps we are in remission or show no signs of cancer, that doesn't mean our fears magically disappear.

Even though I don't spend every moment or even every day worrying about a recurrence, the fear can just rear its ugly head at any time.

Whenever I get a new ache or pain, I immediately wonder if it's cancer. Even though logically, I know it's most likely not, I still have that irrational fear. Headache? Maybe it's a brain tumor? Stomach ache? I find myself Googling "Stomach Cancer."

TRIGGERS

Everything could be fine, and then something triggers my fear. It could be a cancer medication commercial on TV or a TV show where someone dies from cancer, especially if it's breast cancer. And routine scans....those cancer-related scans really set off those out-of-control fears and emotions.

SCANXIETY

Right now, I'm waiting for the results of the CT and bone scans I had done on Monday, and of course... I'm stressed and full of scanxiety, which I've discussed before. 

LEARN SOME EFFECTIVE COPING STRATEGIES

Just as cancer treatment isn't one size fits all, neither are the methods that work for dealing with stress and anxiety issues. 

I'm not gonna lie...It's an ongoing struggle to keep my brain from going to dark places.

Since I can't control the results of those scans or whether my cancer returns, I try to focus on other things- things that make me feel good and distract me from the worry. Like getting plenty of rest, laughing with friends on the phone, going for walks, talking to family members, and loving on my sweet pup-Brady! TV is also a great distraction for me.

If you are experiencing cancer-related anxiety yourself, here are some other suggestions for things that might also help:

• Try starting a gratitude journal or a blog.
• Meditation, prayer, or other spiritual support might be helpful.
• Mindfulness activities such as yoga might help with focus and anxiety levels.
• Exercise such as walking or simply playing music and moving to the rhythm can be relaxing and fun. 
• Get help through support groups or counseling.
• Talk to your doctor about using anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds.
• Volunteering and helping others can give a sense of meaning and help turn attention to others. 

POSITIVE ATTITUDE

I try to keep a positive attitude, but it's not always possible.

So many articles on cancer suggest that a positive attitude can stop cancer from growing or returning. However, cancer isn't caused by a person's negative attitude, nor is it made worse by our thoughts. I refuse to beat myself up or let people make me feel guilty when I feel sad, angry, anxious, or scared.

I guess what it all boils down to is that we shouldn't let anyone else tell us how to feel or deal with our feelings regarding OUR cancer journey.

We all need our friends and loved ones to love and support us through our journey, but we don't need them to think they know best how we should handle our thoughts, feelings, or emotions. 

If you are in the middle of your own cancer journey, I would be happy to answer any questions you might have about my journey. As for you and your personal journey, I would say that I wish you the best, and.....

YOU, DO YOU! 

PS. If I am rambling more than usual in this post, please remember that I'm super stressed while waiting for my scan results AND that it's the middle of the night!